[Friday December 24th, 2010] semi friends only. certain entries will be friends only. comment if you want to be added. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Wednesday July 13th, 2005] just kidding. i've made a new livejournal. it won't be updated as often, and i'm not going to add everyone. it will be friends only. if you'd like to follow me, feel free. shesautomatic__ ... but don't be offended if i don't add you back. i have my reasons. (shesautomatic__ just incase you missed the first time.) i promise this is the last new livejournal ever. PULL MY FINGER!

[Tuesday July 12th, 2005] bye. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Monday July 11th, 2005] [ mood | bored ] I haven't really updated for real in a while, and I'm bored and not tired yet, so I suppose I'll update now. I haven't really been doing much of anything lately, mostly hanging around with Ryan. Running back and forth from his Mom's house, who by the way is doing much better. I'm going to the beach tomorrow with Ryan and Alyssa, and this weekend I'm going to New Hampshire to go to the Nascar race with Ryan. Yay for staying overnight with him in another state. Boo for 100$ for the ticket. Maybe I won't update for real. I have nothing more to say than I did a week ago. Sometimes I wish I could just...start over. Not with everything, just people. Take all the people that have since forgotten me (if not, since cut off communication,) and just erase them and the memories I have of them, as well as the memories they have of me. Things aren't that easy, but I still wish I could try. Most of you aren't worth saving anymore, I've given up, so to speak. The few people I talk to still are more valuable to me than most other people are combined. It makes me so frustrated to think these people were my "best friends" who I could "trust with my life," when all it took was me to vent for five minutes, and they went and told everyone and I had a crew of people mad at me for something I said in a fit of anger. All it took was one wrong word, and I'm sorry didn't cut it, even for the smallest things. If you aren't going to ever speak to me again, call me, make plans, even talk online, please don't wonder why when I brush you off in the future. You never meant that much anyway. Goodbye to you, goodbye to you. You're taking up my time. I'm about to see a million things I thought I'd never see before and I, I'm about to do all the things I dreamed of and...I don't even miss you at all. The times were great, the fun was had, the secrets were shared and told to everyone. I wouldn't change it for the world, but I'm saying goodbye. I wouldn't trust you with my new secret if your lives depended on it. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Saturday July 9th, 2005] [ mood | bored ] Sorry, but I have nothing worthy to update with that I feel like sharing with the world. Yet. ( Just wasting time. Move on, nothing to seee. ) haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Friday July 8th, 2005] [ mood | bored ] I haven't done a survey in a while, and I don't expect anyone but Kara to read all this, since she always does. ( Survey blah blah blah. ) haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Wednesday July 6th, 2005] [ mood | good ] Uhh, well. That clears quite a few things up. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Tuesday July 5th, 2005] [ mood | awake wtf is this ] Our motivations out to sea And our ideas they die so quickly This town has good hearts Bad blood emotional scars Never get to say what you really wanna say. We all lie so well. tell me one of your lies. PULL MY FINGER!

[Saturday July 2nd, 2005] [ mood | sick ] throwing up sucks so much. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Saturday July 2nd, 2005] yeah. i have no friends anymore, besides my family (which = kristyn ryan and corey) which is kind of fucking sad. oh and kara and matt too but they don't count cause they're losers. i kid. no, seriously. i have a fucking phone. i have the internet. i'm not going to be the one that is like, "want to do this? want to go here?" because no one ever really wants to go anyways. and before anyone says i'm always with ryan, well if you fucking ever make plans with me, ryan wouldn't be an issue because i don't fuck up plans because i can't see him for a few hours. jesus fucking christ. if you're just going to speak to me when you have a life-shattering problem, don't even bother. i'm sorry, but your parents being .. you know, parents! does not give you the right to go all "omg the world sucks i hate my lyfe i'm gonna go kill myself now omg," on everyone. the only people that talk to me online are ryan, matt and kara. and the only people that call my phone are my mom and ryan's dad. WTF IS THAT. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Friday July 1st, 2005] you guys suck at helping. just so you know. PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday June 30th, 2005] guys i need a hair cut help. ps. i wish i was a super hero so i could have a sidekick and be like yeah, i'm the star, so what? haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Wednesday June 29th, 2005] [ mood | hungry ] a fucking moth flew into my face like a half hour ago and hit me in the nose and i basically geeked out. and a fucking skeeter just flew into the computer screen and then landed on my arm and tried to get me but i got it before it could. and ryan killed two spiders on my ceiling today. yeah. story of my life. but on a plus side my room is clean for the first time all year and i can close my dresser drawers. badass. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Monday June 27th, 2005] [ mood | bored ] ( Read more... ) haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Saturday June 25th, 2005] new layout. that is all. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday June 16th, 2005] [ mood | amazing ] some days aren't yours at all. they come and go as if theyre someone else's days. they come and leave you behind someone else's face and it's harsher than yours, and colder than yours. they come in all quiet, sweep up and then they leave. and you don't hear a single floorboard creak. they're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side. downtown, downtown. i'm not here, not anymore. i've gone away. don't call me, don't write. PULL MY FINGER!

[Tuesday June 14th, 2005] [ mood | bored ] ( yes, no, doo doo doo doo. ) haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Monday June 13th, 2005] [ mood | loved ] "where's kristyn?" is not something that would have come out of their mouths had i not gone. and i only went because he was, too. i just figured i'd let you know, incase you were wondering why i never go to others. what's the point if i don't have fun, right? i had fun this time, but only for one reason. dreamxindigital (9:26:58 PM): guess what elementofprgress (9:27:01 PM): whatsss dreamxindigital (9:27:12 PM): i love youuu elementofprgress (9:27:41 PM): =-O thats a wicked ca-wink-e-dink elementofprgress (9:27:44 PM): i love youuu tooo yeah, you're jealous. haha. right. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday June 9th, 2005] [ mood | okay ] TODAY WAS AMAZING. FUN. FANTASTIC. GLORIOUS...ly bad. You think you've had a bad day? What went wrong? Broke a nail? Failed a test? Yeah, not even close. Get ready for this one. Don't bitch 'cause I'm complaining, but I need to get this shit outtt. 'Kay, so it all started at 7:00 this morning. On our way to school, Ryan's car stalls four times, and it's not his fault, he did everything you're supposed to. 'It's gonna be a wonderful day.'So we make it to school yadda yadda blah blah. Took a chem test that was supposed to be decently easy, oh no. Never. I failed that one, nothing new. We get home. Everything is peachy. Right? Wrong. Thursdays, Ryan and Corey go to their mother's house. Their mother thinks I hate her (which I do, rightfully,) so I decided to go along to make her feel better. We go to Cumberland Farms first for slushies. The cherry one is broken. Fucker. So we get gas, slushies, whatever, pay, you know the whole deal. Ryan, while Corey and I got slushies, backed out of the pump, and hit the pole a little bit, you know, the ones with cardboard over them? Yep. And he ran over the curb. Bad driving day. Psycho mother gets there, starts taking things (as usual, but they're things of hers, so whatever,) but someone follows her around every time she goes in the house because she'll take things that aren't hers. "You guys make me feel like a criminal!!!" Corey and I are in the car all ready to go, and Ryan is helping put stuff in the trunk, when she goes off about how they forget they have a mother, and Dad's going to regret this, etc etc, you know, the whole deal. "I don't even want you guys to come over now!" Okay, so we get out of the car. "That fast, huh? I'll remember. I'll remember." She drives away hysterical, the whole bit, -sigh-. Oh, mind you, Dad is in Memphis, training for a job. We're alone at this point. We get a phone call ohhh, 45 minutes later? Dad is dating a long-time family friend who is divorced, too. (Her husband is just as psycho.) Meet Cathy. Phone rings. "Your mom beat up Cathy." Yeah, that's right. Broke her nose. You know what the best part is? Cathy's two younger kids were there. At a baseball game. At least one, if not both, of them saw it happen. Real nice. So we call Cassie and she comes home from work, so does Kristyn. Kristyn gets home and tells us there's something all over the garage, it's everywhere. Motor oil. Wicked awesome. It's spread over 1/4 of the garage and all over boxes of things. I call my mom, she told us to put kitty litter on it, problem solved, for now. Only we didn't have enough litter to cover it all. So Cathy went to the hospital, the police were looking for their mother, and she ended up getting arrested. I'm not sure if she's staying overnight or not. Let me explain something, though. Their mother isn't all there. She's on drugs, and she's bipolar. Her medical just ran out so she can't pay for her therapist or the medication, so she's off it. She has blackouts, and doesn't know what she's doing, and then doesn't remember it clearly, afterwards. She's not dealing with reality, here. And you think you had a bad day. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday June 2nd, 2005] [ mood | annoyed ] When you ask me what my problem is, and I don't answer, did you ever stop to think that maybe my problem is you? When my work goes unnoticed because you just had to copy it, did you ever stop to think that it was wrong, and I was only letting you because you'd do it anyway? When I do work for two people, and you get annoyed when the answer is wrong, did you ever stop to think that maybe, if you did it yourself, you would have gotten it right? Where in our friendship does it say that you're justified to take my answers all the time? Sometimes I might ask you about a question on a quiz, or something I don't understand, or if I forgot my homework. But I don't ask you every time. I don't turn around and take your paper off your desk to copy it. I at least make an attempt to try it. I'm sick of you walking all over me, and I know other people are, too. It's probably not right to write to a person in your journal, when the said person doesn't read it, but I'm past the point of caring. I want to get credit for my work. I want you to get credit for yours. Work isn't busy work, it's to see what each individual is capable of. And so far, it's shown that I'm capable of the work of two people, and you're capable of the work of none. You're right, why do you even bother. --- I think I thought I had a lot more to say than I really do. Ah, well. Such is life. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Friday May 27th, 2005] you never meant that much anyway. all of you...please. pray for ashley's dad. even if you don't pray, pray for him. not for me, but for ashley. she needs it more than anything. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday May 26th, 2005] [ mood | sleepy ] "Father means you're taking care of those children. Just 'cause you made them that don't mean you're a father. Anybody can make a baby, but anybody can't take care of them." Sometimes I wish you would all just stop talking for a day. Stop the noise, stop the boasting, the complaining, the talking. Stop communicating via computer, telephone, pencil and paper. Just shut up and listen to yourself for once. Don't listen to other people, don't listen to what they tell you to do. Come up with your own thoughts, opinions, ways to do things. Work to your potential, not everyone elses. I'm going to apply to go to CCRI in my senior year. Everyone keeps asking me, "Well, if you get accepted, what about your friends?" What about them? Are they going to be with me for the rest of my life? No, but my education and my choices are. What about my friends? I'm never going to speak to half of you ever again, I hate to say it. My friends. What a joke. My friends that never call me to see if I want to go somewhere, and then exclaim to me later how much fun it was. My friends that only talk when they need homework. My friends. What about them? I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for me. If my friends really cared, they'd make time and effort. My friends. Hah. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Sunday May 22nd, 2005] [ mood | indescribable ] WHY CAN'T I EVER SLEEP. god fucking damnit, it's like the play button is stuck, i want to sleep, i need to sleep, i have to sleep, but i can't. i can't sleep. i've been up since 10, and i'm tired, and i want to go to bed, but i can't sleep. not alone. sleeping alone doesn't work anymore. why does everyone think i always take a nap when i get home? because i can't sleep here. i sleep at home. here is not my home. i don't belong here. ...i don't belong here. they don't know what i like. how i do in school. who my friends are, how i'm doing, why i'm in a good mood, why i'm in a bad mood, what i did in school. this is not my home. they don't notice me anymore, not unless the dishes need to be done. i don't belong here. i belong at home. i want to go home...i just want to get up and get my shoes on and run all the way home and sleep where i'm supposed to with the people i'm supposed to in a house that feeds me and doesn't mind if i don't do the dishes. a house that tells me they love me more than my mother does. a house that i feel safe in. why can't i feel safe here? i mean, don't get me wrong, i love it here, but i don't feel safe, and i can't ever sleep, and i'm always cleaning something. and i hate being up after everyone is already asleep. i hope ryan is up super early. i keep hearing the cat, thinking it's a robber or something. i'm afraid that i'm going to die, because i think my cat is a robber. i'm an irrational insomniac. PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday May 19th, 2005] [ mood | bubbley! ] [ music | jet is stuck in my head ] you really pissed me off today. i never knew you were so fucking fake. so what else don't i know about you? PULL MY FINGER!

[Wednesday May 18th, 2005] I think it's time for an entry of..."The Update of Kristyn's Life!" (That's right. I made that.) ( Proceed with caution. ) haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Wednesday May 18th, 2005] [ mood | pissed off ] you're a bitch. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Sunday May 15th, 2005] [ mood | bc is finally nice w00t ] i'm different from when you all first met me and i'm sorry that some of you can't see that. some of you drifted, gave up before you got to see me for who i am. but sometimes i wish who i was, i'm too welcoming to people i can't stand. i no longer sit on the bus staring out the window, avoiding people's conversations. i no longer pretend to like the kind of music you do, and i no longer pretend to hate the music i don't. i no longer sit with people i don't like at lunch just so it doesn't look like i have no friends. i no longer deny that i really don't have friends. i no longer laugh at things that aren't funny just so you don't think i'm a dick. i no longer change the way i look or dress for other people. i no longer choke when someone tries to start a conversation. i no longer sit in class knowing the answer, but not raising my hand just because i don't want people to look at me. i'm turning back to who i was and i think it's wonderful, even if no one else does. i'm happier this way. i don't have to dress a certain way just so you'll like me. i don't have to deny liking rap and hip-hop just so you don't think i'm a faggot. i don't have to do anything i don't want to. i don't have to not do things i want to. maybe some of you liked me better before. maybe some of you never liked me in the first place. at this point, i don't care. i'm happier now. that's all that matters. or maybe this isn't what's making me happier. maybe it's other things, and this is just a sidenote. i guess that'll just be a mystery. but i do have to say i'm glad to get rid of some of the people i did. others...i miss you a lot. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday May 12th, 2005] [ mood | nauseated ] i hate not being able to sleep. because i'm up by myself, no one is online because they're all doing what i can't. i hear every noise - the wind, the settling of the house, and cat jumping off the table. and i don't feel good, either. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Tuesday May 10th, 2005] [ mood | indescribable ] if you don't want to hear about my uterus, well too bad i guess! birth control can suck my white ass. i'm so sick of crying over nothing and everything. once it hits 9pm its like a faucet and everything makes me cry. come on, ryan got offline a whole 15 minutes earlier than normal and i wanted to cry. plus i've been bleeding for fucking three weeks, except for a random three days. three. weeks. and it's not like aww light. it's like fucking crampy motherfuckerfuckingfuckslfhs. and i lost 5 lbs and all last week i wanted to throw up my stomach and all. FSDJFIOSDHUIOHAUIHSDUIHFUISDHFUISDHVUIXCNJKSDNFJKHASDJ. oh and i fucking apologize that i don't make my posts interesting for the general public, matt. not. THIS IS GAY AND I'M ABOUT TO STAB THE NEXT PERSON I SEE IN THE FACE. i don't even want to take pictures. and when i'm not bleeding i don't want sex. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Monday May 9th, 2005] [ mood | okay ] it never was very fair. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Monday May 9th, 2005] [ mood | pissed off ] do you fucking idiots read anything that doesn't have pictures? seriously, i'm ready to say fuck it to livejournal and leave you all behind. assholes. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Sunday May 8th, 2005] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | the thought of death it scares me to death ] and these chords remain, we use them to exploit the friends we've since forgot, those friends we've lost, you all know just who you are, cause i've since made graves, but i'm too scared to etch the names, for fear the i'm the one whose changed. the melody has nothing to hold, i'll be the last sound that you hear as your eyes close. my computer is dying, by the way. i'm wiping it out later today. say sayonara to music - recommend new shit or die. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Wednesday May 4th, 2005] [ mood | bitchy ] so i basically loathed today. not studying really isn't working for me anymore. neither is my new art teacher. she totally goes against all that is art. art isn't doing assignments down to the T. art is doing the assignments how you want to. art. ART ART ART ART ART. YOU STUPID IDIOT. I WANTED TO COLOR MY FINDING NEMO PICTURE. I DONT WANT TO MAKE FIGURES OUT OF CLAY THAT DOESNT EVEN HARDEN. YOU MADE ME SMOOSH MY PALM TREE AND GIRAFFE AND SPONGEBOB. AM I THE ONLY PERSON THAT THINKS THAT ONE SHOULD NOT BE THROWN OUT FOR NOT DOING THE ASSIGNMENT? i thought Mixed Media was supposed to be a relaxed environment. a go at your own pace one. WELL FUCK THAT NOW, STUPID BITCH THAT HAS UGLY SHOES AND CLOTHES AND HAIR AND A PIERCED NOSE THAT DOESNT EVEN LOOK GOOD. i really don't like her. plus my teeth hurt and the assholes that call themselves orthodontists basically sanded between my teeth and pushed too hard on the brackets and stabbed me with the wire, and i was laying there for so long i almost fell asleep in the chair. i would have probably laughed really hard. kind of like how i laughed when i said OW and they said OH AM I HURTING YOU. no i just say ow for kicks, you assmonkey. twenty or twenty-one. it was too young to let go. way too young. i didn't know you well, but i'm wishing that you can rest in peace. it was all you wanted, and i wish you get it. ( WHINEWHINEHWHINECOMPLAINWHINE!!&@WAHHBITCHBITFHSDUIFSD. ) haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Friday April 29th, 2005] [ mood | nauseated ] the skin that covers your bones does your insides no justice. yes, it's beautiful, and i've never been more attracted to someone. but you are a much more beautiful person than your skin gives you credit for. - i'm having a hard time eating ever since i started birth control - i'll eat something and then thirty minutes later the nausea sweeps over me, but it's more of a burning feeling and i can't lay down or i feel like throwing up. and i end up skipping over the puking part and going to the feeling that you get after you throw up a lot, like your muscles are tight. that's what happens. incase you were wondering. i was thinking about what i would name him/her if i ever had a child. in middle school i had it all figured out but now i realize it's one of the most difficult things ever. but i don't plan on having children, anyhow. i'm quite partial to ava, cristina, madison, liam, conor and skylar. i hope to goddess ryan and i don't have any accidental children. the names we like totally clash. i would never name a girl april, may, rain or kayleigh. so my question to you, you two or three people that still read this; what are your favorite baby names? boy and/or girl. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Friday April 29th, 2005] [ mood | bored ] lj is gay. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Sunday April 24th, 2005] sorry about that. PULL MY FINGER!

[Friday April 22nd, 2005] [ mood | bored ] Vacation has been A-Ok. Beach twice, no sunburns OR TANS which is gay, birth control (THAT WAS SCARY SHIT K,) el mall-o. But I haven't slept. I need sleep. You're keeping me up. And I'd really like if I could have some cuddle time with loserface. I was supposed to work, but someone is a fag and forgot. And there's no food in my house. At all. Awesome. ( Hahaha, I'm boring you to death. ) haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Monday April 18th, 2005] [ mood | mentally DRAINED. ] so today pretty much sucked on a huge scale. like on a scale of 1 to 10, it was probably about a 50. until 9 o'clock, at which time it lowered to more like a 3. yeah. it's really annoying when i open the fridge five minutes after i opened it the first time AND THERES NOTHING NEW IN THERE. just incase you were wondering. i need to find a job or something. or maybe a paying hobby. that would be fun. anddd my friends are super gay. like super super. awesome, love you all. actually not really no. hahaha i think my best friends are ryan and his sister, and his sister is a faggot so. well she's okay sometimes. maybe. no not really she's kind of stupid, actually. not that you really care... why do i know so many crazy people? i don't mean like action crazy either i mean like brain crazy, like they're missing a few hundred neurons. or maybe a thousand i don't know. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Sunday April 17th, 2005] [ mood | cheerful ] Best. Concert. Ever... so far. Saw Taking Back Sunday and Jimmy Eat World last night with Mouch. The Format opened, eh don't really know their songs so I was kinda bored, you know. And then Jimmy Eat World was...Jimmy Eat World, I don't know, I don't think they were anything too special. And then Taking Back Sunday was just...amazing. That's really the only word I can use to describe it. I want to go again! Ahaha. Plus it's warm out and that puts me in an even better mood! Even walking back from the Dunkin Donuts Center to the car two blocks away wasn't cold. w00t. PULL MY FINGER!

stupid bitch. [Sunday April 10th, 2005] [ mood | grouchy. ] ( a bunch more. ) i need to start taking more meaningful photos. especially since everyone always tells me how great i am at photography, and i look at my pictures and don't see anything special. they don't mean anything. they aren't expressing my feelings. they're just photographs of something i think will come out pretty. i don't really know. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Saturday April 9th, 2005] [ mood | content ]   ( +5 )   you know what i don't like? when people get mad because i got a better grade on something than they did. i'm sorry i'm intelligent? i joke around when i get a lower grade, saying "i hate you!" or something stupid like that, but some people get genuinely pissed off, and it pisses me off.   i also don't like how atrocious my room is right now. or the fact that there's still a long week until vacation. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday April 7th, 2005] [ mood | contemplative ] Today was kind of bad. Ho hum. But then it was really really really good. I have so many pictures to post from over the last few months. But I haven't felt like it. Motivate me. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Monday April 4th, 2005] [ mood | EXCELLENT! ] you aggravate me very much. all in all, it was an excellent day, with a capital EXCELLENT. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday March 31st, 2005] [ mood | whiny! ] It's so funny how one person's comment under their breath (even if it was meant for me to hear it) can hurt so much, remind me of so much and make me want to punch them in the face. What did I ever do to you? Nothing, that's right. The insult is old but it still stings. Someone's boyfriend needs to shut the fuck up already. And I got a papercut, and I can't breathe. It hurts, and there's all junk in my chest. Is it okay if I just go to sleep for a few days? I'm especially whiny today. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

energy energy energy, this was pretty much a waste of time. [Wednesday March 30th, 2005] [ mood | energetic ] Life has a really cool way for redeeming itself. Even if it did give me strep throat. It spared me from mono, awesome. I need Ryan to be more cooperative with the camera and to make him dress up and take pictures or something. Still life photography is boring me to death. I'm going to go clean, and go to bed. I need to get up early to shower or I'll be smelly. Oh, Livejournal, how I neglect you. Don't feel bad, I do it to DeviantArt too. (: haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Saturday March 26th, 2005] Nevermind. Tomorrow is Easter and that means absolutely nothing to me. Hoorah. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday March 24th, 2005] I know I used to say that you should never put your boyfriend or girlfriend before your friends. I lied. It's up to you, though. What's more important? Personally, I'd rather love my boyfriend for the rest of my life, than lose that to hang out with my friends. That sounds like a really asshole comment, but it's true. I'd rather love this one boy more than I've ever loved anyone before than to have six or seven friends that just ignore me half the time anyway. Geez, I talk about us a lot in here. IN OTHER NEWS. I got a new camera. (: ( i wonder how many people actually bother to look behind cuts. ) haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

are you playing the flute? [Sunday March 20th, 2005] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | blink - asthenia ] i really really feel bad everytime i bring up our past relationship. and i never ever bring up the good points, i always bring up the bad, i always bring up the lies and deceit and arguments and i always make it sound like i'm trying to make him feel bad but i'm really not. and i try to not do it but sometimes he does things, like scratching his nose when he's lying about something silly, and i'll remember all the times he scratched his nose when i asked him what he did that day or if anything worth mentioning happened. and i try and try and try to bring up all the good things we did but honestly it's all a blur, it's all one big huge colorful amazing blur, i can't pick out one thing we did or one day that stood out because until september it was all amazing, everyday was as good as the last. and i apologize so many times when i bring those bad things up and he always says it's okay. but it'll never be okay for me to do that, it won't be okay to me. and i'm so fucking happy i have that again, and i swear to god i will never ever let him walk away again. i don't even remember what crossed my mind when i got him back. all i remember is staying after school with him one day, walking around, hitting him and then kissing him. i don't remember why i did it but it felt like it had to be done. and i remember holding on to him so tight, praying he'll never let go. he made me so happy i almost cried, and it sounds really stupid, but i really don't care. we could never be just friends. we've proved that. we've tried and failed miserably. i'm okay with that. and as much as i make fun of him and tell him "if you don't get a's, you're not invited into my fort" and beat him up (accidently) i love him so much and he knows that, and i really try not to make fun of him as much as i do but haha i can't do that. it's just so..easy. there i go again. but i won't tell you what i wished would come true when that bracelet fell off. i love you but i won't do that. haha. kinda like that meatloaf song. almost said meatball. that would have made me feel really stupid. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Saturday March 19th, 2005] i'm alive. ps. reason #43289754835743892348924 that i'm not updating often: you guys are fucking boring. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

[Thursday March 10th, 2005] [ mood | chipper ] happy birthday to meee, happy birthday to meee. and a foreign exchange student said feliz cumpleanos. as much as spanish is an annoying language sometimes, pablo's so cool. haha. | PULL MY FINGER!

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